Is Playing Hard to Get, Hard Play on Your Gut?

People often refer to being in a relationship to that of playing a game. At least in the beginning stages. It’s all about how you set it up so as to hook your opponent for the long term and then benefit from their admiration. Rules include (but are not limited to): keeping it cool by knowing it all, not coming off as desperate or clingy, and keeping your curiosity in them constantly on the border. This last one motivates your opponent into thinking they have a chance.

     While it can be highly exciting, it can also be exhausting. I remember being in high-school and over-analyzing every little detail with my girlfriends: his eyes said he totally digs me…he said he wants the best for me, so obviously he’s just waiting until he feels the best about himself…he said cool, that means I’m cool, right? And that was just the talk. To walk the walk, you have to learn everything about this person of interest to show that you’re an interesting person, BUT, you can’t let them know you’re interested. It’s as if you’re constantly spying on someone while simultaneously trying to show off in front of them. Like I said, it’s exhausting. And, it can be very stressful, leading to anxiety, depression, insomnia. What person is worth all that?

As I got older, I got more mature. I now know that this formula does not in fact guarantee a win. I also discovered, that that’s okay. The real prize is what you find within yourself, and then sharing that with someone else. So, without further ado, here are a few pieces of “gear” to play the game safely:

Have you own hobbies, and KEEP them!

This is critical to any healthy relationship. We need to be self-motivated, not ‘I-wanna-impress-you-all-the-time motivated. It’s important to have these hobbies prior to dating someone too. Here’s why: you’ll be more intriguing! If things work out, and you realize this person is long term, still keep these hobbies. Getting out of each other’s hair will leave the least tangles. This leads to my next point:

Hang out because you want to, not because it’s convenient

Missing someone isn’t a choice. It’s a natural response. If you don’t get the opportunity to feel this emotion, then you don’t won’t realize how important someone is in your life. Thus, instead of doing activities together because you’re both free and a couple, decide to do something because it’s fun for the two of you. In order for this to happen, you must:

Compromise early

It’s important to have boundaries. Instead of tagging along because you want to be the ‘cool’ girl/boyfriend, set limits. This encourages your partner to respect your decisions, and if they don’t, leave them to the dust. Trust me. You’ll only get more and more aggravated that you’re stuck watching them play video games or get their nails done when you could be dancing or building Starwars Legos. Of course, if it’s something really important to your partner that you be there, then be there for them. Just remind them the next time you need them, and you’ve just compromised for the better.  

Hang out with your friends

It’s easy to get vacuumed into the love tunnel and forget about everyone on the outside. The problem is, eventually the space will be too small and the problems too big. And while you’ve been in hibernation, all your friends have kept moving, so now you have no one to complain to. Worse, your friends will feel used when you just want to complain. That’s not real friendship. Let’s say there is a 2 week honeymoon phase, where yes, much like a real honeymoon, you have conveniently forgotten everyone in your contacts. If it extends past that, then don’t expect anyone to be there waiting for you when you land back in the land of reality.

Relationships are hard. You shouldn’t have to prove your love with extreme measures all the time, instead it should be about what you can share with that someone you care about. And what they can share with you. In order to figure out what you can share, you have to have passions and goals. It’s important to know what type of person you really are. In a way, you need to ‘date yourself’ first. If you don’t figure out who you are, then how do you know who you should be dating? Or if you’re even ready to date? Being in love is healthy, but it takes a lot to get there, and ultimately it starts with loving yourself.