Thursday, August 27, 2015

Is Playing Hard to Get, Hard Play on Your Gut?

People often refer to being in a relationship to that of playing a game. At least in the beginning stages. It’s all about how you set it up so as to hook your opponent for the long term and then benefit from their admiration. Rules include (but are not limited to): keeping it cool by knowing it all, not coming off as desperate or clingy, and keeping your curiosity in them constantly on the border. This last one motivates your opponent into thinking they have a chance.
     While it can be highly exciting, it can also be exhausting. I remember being in high-school and over-analyzing every little detail with my girlfriends: his eyes said he totally digs me…he said he wants the best for me, so obviously he’s just waiting until he feels the best about himself…he said cool, that means I’m cool, right? And that was just the talk. To walk the walk, you have to learn everything about this person of interest to show that you’re an interesting person, BUT, you can’t let them know you’re interested. It’s as if you’re constantly spying on someone while simultaneously trying to show off in front of them. Like I said, it’s exhausting. And, it can be very stressful, leading to anxiety, depression, insomnia. What person is worth all that?

As I got older, I got more mature. I now know that this formula does not in fact guarantee a win. I also discovered, that that’s okay. The real prize is what you find within yourself, and then sharing that with someone else. So, without further ado, here are a few pieces of “gear” to play the game safely:
Have you own hobbies, and KEEP them!
This is critical to any healthy relationship. We need to be self-motivated, not ‘I-wanna-impress-you-all-the-time motivated. It’s important to have these hobbies prior to dating someone too. Here’s why: you’ll be more intriguing! If things work out, and you realize this person is long term, still keep these hobbies. Getting out of each other’s hair will leave the least tangles. This leads to my next point:
Hang out because you want to, not because it’s convenient
Missing someone isn’t a choice. It’s a natural response. If you don’t get the opportunity to feel this emotion, then you don’t won’t realize how important someone is in your life. Thus, instead of doing activities together because you’re both free and a couple, decide to do something because it’s fun for the two of you. In order for this to happen, you must:
Compromise early
It’s important to have boundaries. Instead of tagging along because you want to be the ‘cool’ girl/boyfriend, set limits. This encourages your partner to respect your decisions, and if they don’t, leave them to the dust. Trust me. You’ll only get more and more aggravated that you’re stuck watching them play video games or get their nails done when you could be dancing or building Starwars Legos. Of course, if it’s something really important to your partner that you be there, then be there for them. Just remind them the next time you need them, and you’ve just compromised for the better.  
Hang out with your friends
It’s easy to get vacuumed into the love tunnel and forget about everyone on the outside. The problem is, eventually the space will be too small and the problems too big. And while you’ve been in hibernation, all your friends have kept moving, so now you have no one to complain to. Worse, your friends will feel used when you just want to complain. That’s not real friendship. Let’s say there is a 2 week honeymoon phase, where yes, much like a real honeymoon, you have conveniently forgotten everyone in your contacts. If it extends past that, then don’t expect anyone to be there waiting for you when you land back in the land of reality.

Relationships are hard. You shouldn’t have to prove your love with extreme measures all the time, instead it should be about what you can share with that someone you care about. And what they can share with you. In order to figure out what you can share, you have to have passions and goals. It’s important to know what type of person you really are. In a way, you need to ‘date yourself’ first. If you don’t figure out who you are, then how do you know who you should be dating? Or if you’re even ready to date? Being in love is healthy, but it takes a lot to get there, and ultimately it starts with loving yourself. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

JudgeMENTAL CLARITY

Today I had no energy to write. I just felt lazy. And then, I thought about what people would think if I didn’t keep up with this blog. How would that be inspiring? With that realization in mind, I came up with my topic for the day: sometimes it is healthy to care what others think. It can motivate us. It can discourage us. Most of all, it keeps us questioning ourselves, and I believe that’s an important attribute to constantly have throughout life.  Obviously, we shouldn’t question every last detail; sometimes it’s better to just go ahead and pass that slow driver on route 9 instead of swaying backwards and forwards. But other times, it’s good to know what we’re getting ourselves into. And what better way than to imagine the out-coming opinions of others?
So, I present to you, healthy and conservative ways to benefit from “worrying” about what others think of you:
Exercise
My grandmother once told me she ‘admired the heck out of people who can run marathons’. She knows they’re bad-asses. And they are; running 26.2 miles is no easy feat, let alone 100 miles! If you’re like me and the only way to get yourself up and off the couch in the first place is to imagine a zombie apocalypse, then you know that running is actually really hard. Like super hard. I often have to focus on something close in distance and then run to that, or count to 25, then 50, then 100 and start over again. And it’s still hard! But, the results pay off. If people see me and say, wow, she’s got great legs, then mission accomplished. I also want to be tough. This is imperative of my career. I don’t want my clients to see me as a weakling who might break to pieces just by pressing my fingertips in their knotted muscles. I want them to think I’m strong and in shape, and thus, able to help them.
Calming Nature
Earlier today, I was so overwhelmed with the IRS and healthcare that I just knew I had to cry. I also knew I had a client coming in 20 minutes. I did not want to cry. But then, I really thought about it. People are very perspective, whether they know it or not. If I had been upset, I’m sure that client would have picked up on it and not wanted to have come back. She might have thought we had weird lighting or something else, but the origin of the discomfort would have been from my silenced urges to cry. So I took a few minutes, cried, then breathed and told myself it was going to be okay. I had to let it out in order to get it out.
Keeping Sharp
It’s not fun being the dumbest person at the table. I’ve had this before, and it sucks. Especially with politically obsessed friends who can act like asses while sprouting facts out of their trunks. (Get it?) I do however find that knowing even just a few (and sometimes even) short news stories can establish a stronger link in a relationship. It’s a great way to keep things interesting, and people will respect your opinion more if you have legitimate facts to base it off of. Also, you learn new things about your friends and most importantly yourself.


The truth is, at some point in our lives, everyone is acutely aware and cautious of what others think of them. It’s completely natural. Even the people who claim they don’t give a damn what anyone thinks are usually just about to perform some outrageous and ridiculous action that only goes to show just how much they do in fact care that everyone around them thinks they’re a total bad ass. I’ve done this on multiple occasions myself. I’m not saying we should always be nit-picky and freakishly aware of the people around us and how they’re reacting to our tutus and classic fedoras. Rather, I find it appropriate to allow a little judgement in our decisions. It keeps us sane.


So here it is, my third blog. Go ahead and judge; it’s for you. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Taking Time Adds Time

Imagine for a moment, what our culture would be like if we all just stopped, and took the time. If we took the time to floss every night, the time to read the books we want to, the time to eat dinner with our family, the time to exercise. We’d probably all be much happier. And, we’d probably live longer. But that’s a tall order of activities, and with the common response of “I’ve been busy” running out the lips of pretty much everyone, well, one has to wonder how do we get it all done?
I’ve tried and failed multiple multitasking moves. Have you ever had it where your mind is running in a million directions, yet your body is paralyzed in catalytic wonder? It’s insane! Ironically, when we multitask and try to get all the items on our lists checked off simultaneously, we’re actually losing more time.  It’s so unfair, yet, it makes sense. So how exactly should we get all our needs done while still fitting in our wants? Tried and true, here are a couple of suggestions I’ve realized actually work.
Floss while watching TV

                I love doing this! I’m also very lucky to have a boyfriend who doesn’t mind my strange yet productive habits. I’ve also noticed a dramatic change within my mouth! I’m now much more confident smiling with my teeth showing, I don’t wake up with morning breath as often, and my gums don’t hurt at all like they used to. Flossing also just feels good, both mentally and physically. Sometimes, you just have to read in between the lines.


Drink water at every stop light
                My car’s air conditioning doesn’t always come on immediately. This means I often sit in a hot car, and get cranky. Lucky for me (and thousands of others), there’s a simple and cheap solution: water bottles! I try to always have one in the car. As for the stop lights, having something to remind me I have water, besides my dehydrated thirst, always feels better in the long run, or in this case, the long drive.
Cook and dance to some groovy tunes
In my opinion, there’s nothing better than dancing to the tune of dinner. Waltzing to and fro from the cupboard to the stove to the fridge, and tossing a hip here and a salad there, can be a really exciting and fun activity. Especially with a partner! Food should be fun, and listening to some great Jazz, or Bosanova music can really spice things up! It’s time to combine forces and dance the salsa while making some.
Meditate while washing your hands
                It’s not hard I promise, and the benefits of some serious calm and quiet breathing can do wonders on your psyche. For real. Do you ever get it where chatter zooms in and out of your ears? Or where it seems like everyone is overly observant on your mishaps?  It’s overwhelming. And it feels like you’re all alone, but stuck in a crowd. Take a minute to go to quiet place. A bathroom is a great cover. The act of washing your hands isn’t a difficult one, so the need to concentrate is minimal. Just breathe and collect yourself. Then, when you’re ready head back out. It’s that simple.  
Stretch while talking on the phone
My mom likes to call on a frequent basis; she likes to make sure I’m being a responsible adult, but still an adolescent daughter who can learn from her advice. It’s interesting at times. It takes about 7 minutes before I get annoyed with her nosy (she says thoughtful) questions. 7 minutes can be a long time; long enough to get in some really great stretches. The best part is all you need is your body and an adequate speaker phone system. And who doesn’t have one of these nowadays?
Watching Netflix while washing the dishes (Paul’s advice)
                My boyfriend and I just moved in together. At first, we were immaculate, running off that new apartment high where everything had to be clean and organized. We’ve since (3 weeks in), settled down. Now it’s a game of who will break first and get annoyed by the accumulating dishes in the sink. The other day I came home and all of them were clean. I thanked Paul to which he said, “Oh yeah, I was watching the X-Files when I did them.” He then proceeded to summarize the episode, which most of it went over my head. But not the fact that he successfully did two activities at once! Now, instead of just waiting for prune fingers, I can watch White Collar and feel productive. Too bad I can’t floss, wash the dishes, and watch TV all at the same time, but, I’m not an octopus.

Fundamentally, it comes down to how much time you invest in your future. Much like a retirement fund, the interest of taking care of yourself increases the more you contribute. It can be fun, and very rewarding. I’ve noticed the smallest of changes have had the biggest impact on my well-being. Do I follow these techniques every day? No. But just being conscious of how you can add a little more healthy variety to your day is a start. Before long, we’ll all be participating in tai chi at the movies. Now there’s an idea…who’s with me?

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Sleep vs. the Sleepy (i.e. me)

I find it appropriate that I started writing this at 6:48 am, after having gone to sleep mere hours earlier. I guess you could say sleep and I don’t always mix well together. We’re like that light switch relationship you hear about.  At best, we’re on. We’re holding hands, and I’m wrapped up contently in a cocoon of blankets, in love. Other times however, sleep is either playing hard to get, or I have better “acquaintances” to be in the company of.  When I’m in control, which is rare, it’s like oh yeah, I’m invincible! Of course, I then consequently pass out from my ultra-ego dominating my body. When sleep is in control however, it’s whole other story.
Sleep reminds me of my cat Lulu. If you don’t chase her, she’ll come curiously to you, she’ll check you out, and if she likes you, she’ll stay. If however, you get excited at the very prospect of her arrival, there won’t even be that. Just like that, and WHAM, she’s off running!
So, what’s a girl got to do to not go crazy? First of all, go crazy. I could be just saying this to validate my own actions, but I did truly find it helpful (very much after the fact), when I had an anxiety attack over not getting enough sleep. It gave me perspective. Either I was going to keep fighting this tiresome (pun intended) battle, or I would be armed and ready for its next sneak attack. I obviously (and eventually) went with the latter. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to find a viable surface.
So, without further ado, here are a few things that helped me:
Meditation: I cannot express enough how helpful this has been for me. What I like to do is an inverted yoga pose, like child’s pose, or lying flat on the ground with my legs up against a wall (so my body looks like a right angle) and just breathe, and think. That’s it. The important thing I’ve learned is not to fight what I’m thinking. Instead of being like, seriously, I’m thinking about cheese…what insightful guru thinks about cheese?!?!, I try to just let it be, let it all just melt away on its own (yes, I did that on purpose). Doing so has been incredibly peaceful and insightful. Just remember: nobody can hear how stupid you think your thoughts are.
Cherries:
These low glycemic goodies contain melatonin, a hormone our body naturally produces when we sleep. So when we don’t sleep…well then we don’t get as much melatonin.  This isn’t good. While the verdict’s still out on how exactly melatonin helps the body (anywhere from expelling free-radicals and dispelling cancer to decreasing chances of Alzheimer’s), I still find that cherries do help. The tart undertone wakes me up and the sweet belly of the fruit helps remind there’s a better day ahead of me. It could be a placebo effect, but it’s been worth it. Plus, it’s entertaining trying to spit the pits from far distances into the trash can.  
Laughter:  Remember that story about the princess who couldn’t even sleep on 11 or so mattresses just because of a silly little pea? We have a running joke in my family that the woman are very much like that princess. And by no means, does that mean we get any sort of royal treatment. However, we do get to laugh. And sometimes, that’s all you can do. When someone else understands exactly how your lack of sleep has left you suspicious yet clumsy, cranky, yet goofy…that’s when you know you’ll have some good laughs. I’ve also been known to be an most excellent rapper when exhaustion hits: my mind’s been on repeat; maybe that’s why I can’t sleep, I keep tossing and turning, for the dreams I’ve been  yearning.
Massage Therapy: Tossing and turning wrecks havoc on the body. Often after a restless night, at least one muscle is sore. Massages can help. They also release endorphins, the happy chemicals which decrease stress and anxiety. Often these emotions are far more lasting than a good night's rest, and they can lead to an array of other health risks, which can lead to an array of restless nights. It's an agonizing cycle. If you don't have the time or resources right now to look into massage, suggest switching off with your partner. Even a couple minutes can help. Also, it's a great way to be intimate and feel validated that yes, your pain is real, yes, your issues matter.

In conclusion, no, I haven’t exactly found a “cure” for my bouts of insomnia.  I don’t know if I ever will. Life is full of all sorts of excitements, and in order for these occasions to occur, there needs to be an element of suspense, aka anxiety. Personally, I’d rather live than hermit myself off within the realms of safety. That’s just silly. But living the life I want doesn’t mean I need to struggle within every waking moment (and believe me, there are a lot) because I didn’t get enough sleep the night or nights before.
Often I find that I need to look more at the origin of my insomnia than the symptoms of my crankiness and exhaustion that only tell a superficial story. I have to divulge deeper in order to find that pearl of inquiry.  It’s not easy. But nothing worth your time ever is. That’s why we treasure it.

They say we’ll sleep when we’re dead. The truth is, we’ll die if we don’t sleep, and that option is much more of a reality.